I slept for 12 hours after awesome yet exhausting trip -> Utrecht-> Amsterdam -> Berlin - including 3 night buses, 2 concerts (The Mountain goats and Ezra Furman), 1 guesthouse, petting goats, sheep and pigs in a place called recovery college, wandering around Amsterdam during a cold night high on edibles, exploring one Berlin museum and attending a demonstration against our prime minister. The girls were also playing ukulele and singing in one German public bathroom at a railway station. I was just happily sitting there and enjoying that it’s warm.
Now I’m still disoriented, tired, sick (dizzy, stuffiness, sore muscles, headache + burning chest - possibly just general anxiety) and terribly behind with work and school. Writing emails to cancel lessons and receiving a lot of emails from work with more tasks.
If I fall asleep, needing a nap, I have a frightening sleep paralysis - kicking around and silently screaming in my head, because I can’t wake up.
I started reading a long post on Medium about Amanda Palmer’s tour by Jack Nicholls dealing with topics such as abortion, miscarriage, climate and refugee crisis and corrupted media and I felt even worse. I remembered also Ezra who’s dealing with anxieties, panic attacks and transgender issues. I feel too involved in everything and it’s too much. I feel too much.
I want to go and teach one lesson, because there’s a chance that it could fix me. I created a lesson plan with maximum input from the students. I will wear the comfortable Calm Down Ezra sweatshirt and scarf and I will stand far away in the background not to get my students sick.
The fact that Christmas are coming is also just stressful for me at the moment.
I know that everything will pass and everything will be 大丈夫 again, but right now I’m drowning.
Panické ataky!
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